healing

After losing Payton, who I must say was gorgeous, I've come a long way from sobbing constantly to acceptance and memories. I envision her as she was, my mind can't put together what she would look like as she grew. I wish for her, pray that she's ok where ever she is, and hope that she's with me, hope that she knows that I'll love her always with my full heart. She's my number one valentine. Things are better but not
100%, still with her stupid dad, he's such a fool. This relationship probably won't last much longer but whatever. Can't wait to move on and be over this.

Pregnancy loss and relationship demise

Pregnancy is a great experience, and my significant other and I planned to conceive in sept 2010, we found out mid oct 2010 that we were successful. We were both so excited, he couldnt wait to share the news with his family and friends. For the first 3.5 months, we went through so many things, I had to relocate, car was stolen, found out he cheated, and a host of other issues. I traveled to work the next city over daily for almost 2 months while pregnant, stressed, worried and with a heavy heart and confused mind.I mean really walking the big sweet bully that we have together (my significant other and I weren't living together at the time) was even a hard task. Pregnant, tired and scared I tried to see the future in a positive fashion, it was hard. Don't get me wrong I was so happy to be pregnant, I just felt like because of all that was taking place in my life, that I wasn't as happy about and focused on the pregnancy. So one day I made a choice to concentrate on the positive, I was alive, pregnant, in good health, a college grad, the pregnancy was planned and everything would be ok. I started to look forward to our future with a new baby, the start of our family. So I rubbed my belly, talked to the baby, developed my own relationship with the baby, read about what to expect while I was pregnant, I mean, i just began to do everything with my pregnancy in mind. By the first week of december I was able to get a rental car, go grocery shopping, get my hair washed, do laundry everything that needed to be done was being handled all by me, even looking for an apartment in an expensive market.My significant other was also having other issues, his back went out, he couldn't walk for almost 3 weeks and he was living 2 cities over from me. Before the rental car we didn't see each other.Then 3.5 months into the pregnancy he decided to call and tell me that because he was having so many issues that I should get an abortion, WTH!!!!!! was my first thought, I was devasted, crushed, never thought I'd have to do this alone, thought I'd picked the right person, he was the first person I'd been in love with, given my all to, this can't be. He told me oh well you can raise your baby on your own if you keep the baby. Either who, for the next 3 weeks we were off and on again, we argued fought everything. On Jan 1,2011 he moved all my things to the new apartment without any issues. Things were still shaky between us, but we had the understanding that I was going to keep the baby. He was slowly coming back around, very slowly. Well the pregnancy was pretty uneventful until jan, I ended up in the hospital, due to an incompetent cervix. I called my SO and informed him, and you know he had the nerve to tell me that I should just let the baby go because he didnt want a premature baby, I asked him to come to the hospital as he should be there with me. He said he couldn't make it, no ride. Told him to go see about the dog, and he found a way there. Either way while speaking to him in the hospital he told me that he "wanted a dna test, to make sure that that thing is his" WTF. i said ok, but I was hurt. Nothing in our relationship prepared me for all of the negative things that I had begun to experience with him. Anyway, once i got home I called him and let him know that I wanted my keys back to my apartment, and didnt want anything to do with him. He said he didn't think that I would take it as far as to ask for the keys to the apartment back.But I did, i was so upset and alone in this and couldn't understand what went wrong. I had to put my pride aside and ask for his help the next day, because the doctor placed me on strict bed rest. My bag of water was exposed to the elements and thus the doctors informed me that the risk of infection was high, so beware. He agreed to help out, drive to my appointments, take care of the business and run errands. He cooked, cleaned a little, but made sure I was ok, he could've done better. But he was there. Well everything was seemingly going well, until, feb 13, 2011, I began to leak fluid, went to the hospital they told me that my water had broken, see the infection had slowly eaten away at the bag of water. On Feb 14, 2011 I gave birth at 5.5 mnths pregnant to our baby girl, she was healthy, but didn't survive because she came too early, I was devastated. My SO was there for me. At this point he had already began to get encouraged about the pregnancy again, couldn't wait to meet the baby, and began bonding with the baby as well and started to make plans, and shop for the baby girl we were expecting. After the loss, we grew further apart, back and forth, up and down, due to circumstances, he moved in the same day I was released from the hospital. And all hell broke loose, he was so busy cheating and lying that he couldn't find his way home some nights and he became controlling, and abusive, just plain ignorant. He wasn't the person I thought I knew. I was in amazement at his attitude and behavior. Broken hearted after the loss of our daughter and stressed out about the relationship with the father of my deceased child, this was so horrible, all I could think was please not now. Confusion, hurt, despair, and pain consumed me. time after time he said things would change, but it never did, he's sleeping around while driving my car. Either way today is the day I've had enough, I'm about to dump this fool. He's still dealing with the ex and many others, i just can't, I want more, she and whomever else can have it. See she thinks she's winning, I'm letting go of him, because I know I'm better, can do better, and can get better.He's such a loser, a user sheand an abuser, his ex doesnt want anymore than what little she has, waitress, on welfare, section 8 and  she'll take him anyway she can have him, amazingly she knows we're together, but when you're low and don't think much of yourself, you accept anything. I'm sure she feels like she can't do better, she probably can't. Either way, I'm done.